Reload

I have been doing so bad lately and it needs to stop! My lowest weigh in has been 179.8. This is the lowest weight I have ever seen on the scale as an adult. Of course I want to keep going but I feel that I am sabotaging my own efforts and using pain as an excuse. I have written before that I have had back pain since November well it is at a all time high. I have been seeing a chiropractor for almost 2 months now and although he says he sees progress, I have never been in more pain in my life. The little things that are just part of life-grocery shopping, cooking, walking my dog, standing and talking with someone at work hurt so bad that I can't even imagine working out right now. This is terrible for my physical and mental health. Without working out food is even more important to be on point and it is so not. I don't know what is up with my body but if I eat anything over 1300 cal I either gain or maintain.  Well a few days this week I was under cal goal but most days I was way over. I just let this self pity in to my brain, if I am the least bit hungry I let it take over my thinking and I make super bad choices. I don't have anything "bad" in my pantry so of course I do take out to eat bad which is so much worse than having a bit of ice cream or an extra bowl of cereal. Last night I had a huge plate of nachos that is now half eaten and left on my coffee table because as I was eating it my mind shifted and I was like why am I doing this and just left it where it was. Of course I woke up thinking that I would turn it all around today but before I even made my coffee I ate a french bread pizza(I ate the other one from the package last night). Thanks for listening. Writing this out makes it better in some way. I am going to go ahead and track the french bread pizza and move on with my day. I have worked hard this is no time to give up. My back will heal and I will get back into exercise soon, in the mean time over eating is not going to make it feel better if anything losing more weight will put less pressure on it, right?

What would you say?

Do people ask you for advice? I have been asked twice in the last week by overweight people what I have been doing and how I got started. I have no idea what to tell them. It feels hypocritical to give advice. At about 180 I am still big. I want to direct them to whomever else is around that is small and obviously does the right things to never put themselves in the position to need to lose weight.
Also, I know that I am not doing everything perfectly. If I was I would be losing weight faster than I am and I would be stronger than I am now. How can I give advice if I am just making it up as I go? So what should I say?
What I did say is that writing down everything I eat works for me as well as exercising in any way you can. I feel like this is lame tho, who wouldn't know that? Its so basic. What I think they are asking (well really what I would be asking if I was to be brave enough to approach someone for advice) is what keeps you going? How do you continue to make good decisions at 8pm on a Tuesday? How do you lose .5lbs or even gain .5 lbs after a whole week of work and keep on keeping on? What makes your planning future looking self able to wrangle the greedy in the moment self?
Do you know? I don't. The best I can come up with is that it is a muscle that you have to build on as you would any other. As you use it it becomes stronger. Also, don't let yourself get too hungry with out a game plan that is when large pizzas are ordered:) Also when I am having a bad day I drive in my car a bit and sing really loudly with Miley Cyrus's "The Climb" so corny but it speaks to me.

A few steps forward

Well I did it I took my next step in growing up and claiming my life. I got a physical done. Yay? Well I got a new doctor that I think I will like much more than the old one. She spent a lot of time with me and really talked about what was going on with me and my life. She asked a lot of questions and took detailed notes when I answered them. It was good to do. She did a blood text for a lot of things and to my great relief she called back today to say that everything came back completely normal nothing even close to problem areas. I am so happy to know that. Diabetes runs in my fam and it is my biggest fear that because of my weight I have already ruined my life by getting it but I'm not even close to prediabetic sooo happy and I know that I am doing the right things to keep those numbers good! I did get a tetanus shot in my arm just to update it and tho it did not hurt at all yesterday It kills today. Feels like I got punched in the arm!
Yesterday after my physical even tho the scale was lower than it had been in years I did hate the feeling of being the big girl at the dr office. So I decided I would kick start my working out again. When I started losing weight in Aug I worked out everyday. In November i hurt my back and took a week off. I found that I still lost weight so that is when I changed my workouts from daily to 3-4 days a week. As my back has gotten worse I have used it as an excuse to workout less or take it easier when I did workout more than a few times a week. No more excuses. I am doing JM's 30 day shred and I like it. I am only on day 2-already completed for the day and feeling sore but accomplished. It is only like 25 min so it takes no time at all but it is a real workout for that time. I can squeeze this into my morning and do it before work everyday and still have time in the evenings for other workouts, classes, rollerblading whatever. I love that it goes by so fast and when I am done I am hot and sweaty.
This week I have also tried to change up my eating a bit. I read somewhere(prob Pinterest) to eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a ----(I don't remember something middle class), and dinner like a a pauper. As I live alone it does not change any one's routine but mine so that is great. I am having a lot in the morning-coffee, omelet with veggies and small amount of cheese, greek yogurt, apple. Lunch more modest this week chicken breast shredded with 2 tbsp BBQ sauce in 3 pieces of 35 cal/slice bread, with watermelon on the side. Dinner oatmeal or cream of wheat with skim milk and berries. WW strawberry smoothie pops for after dinner snack. I just realized how lacking veggies this plan is next week I will remedy that. I can add veggies to my lunch sandwich. Got any ideas? I'd like to stay away from salads for a bit I am sick of them for lunch every day.
Lastly I have decided that I will go back to weighing in everyday and only recording it once a week. I am just so curious thru the week I always end up sneaking anyway. Today I was at 181 exactly so 41 to go!